April 28, 2007
~ Randomly...
My most effective anti-depressant and tranquilizer is back!
And my quirky sister. Yay! My family is physically whole again!
xxx
Big boss: Jancy, today after FGD, have dinner together ok (a statement, not a question).
me: Huh (an exclamation, not a question)! bu4 yong4 ba (a negation, not a question).
Big boss showed obvious lack of wit in responding to my decline of his dinner offer (with clients).
me: No need lah, huh... you can go with them on our own (a statement, definitely).
Big boss: (having found a little wit) We'll see how later lah...
Hours later, the story ended with big boss getting boss to 'talk' to me. Basically, coerce me into going with them to do PR with clients. But, as I said earlier in this blog, boss has been pretty reasonable and nice to me and treated me with due respect as a co-worker, I felt more obliged to agree to his line of reasoning (which centred around 'looking into the future'). So I had a late seafood dinner at Jumbo ECP just now. And totally felt like a vase.
Smart lor, my big boss. Get my boss to manage me. bleah.
xxx
On the way to ECP for the above-mentioned dinner...
boss: Do you find that you are very opinionated?
me: ya! I am ah. My x-boyfriend used to say that I'm very opinionated.
boss: (clapped hands as if he just struck lottery - which on retrospect, was dangerous! He was driving leh, and I'm the passenger leh!) Now we know.
me: Know what?
boss: That you are not a lesbian.
me: Huh? Explain. Opinionated cannot be lesbian?
boss: No. 'Cos you said you had a x-boyfriend mah...
me: Oh. Who ever said have boyfriend before cannot become lesbian? No lor...
boss: Uh, ok lah. Ok. True.
me: Ya. I can always decide to change my orientation.
boss: Ya. Can lah. Why would you change the orientation huh? I know for lesbians, it's usually a decision to change.
me: Not necessarily... Some girls just like girls.
And the next 5 minutes was basically spent with him telling me about his other lesbian friends.
xxx
The point is, your past decisions to have a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't say anything about your present orientation at all.
I was that close to asking him 'would you be very shocked if I'm a lesbian?' I figured why bother? I'm not even anything now. How can I claim to be anything when I don't even believe in this whole idea of love and relationship now?
But, I don't think he will be shocked. Hmm...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:49
April 24, 2007
~ Randomly...
I felt compelled to write you the email that I did. Because for that 70 minutes that we had lunch together, I felt connected with another human being.
(Before my dearest colleagues jump the gun on me, I do feel connected with them too. But mostly, it's within the work context. Which translates to, we need to go out, have 'family' outings more often. And soon. Very soon. After all, what is a family like ours without family outings to further excavate more complexities in our family tree?)
Anyway, let me get back to my lunch companion for today.
We knew each other since she was my age now. I trust there was a dark period of time, dark as life can be, many years ago, in her life. I didn't know what to do to help then. But I hope she knew that I was very concerned. And as I told her about my last exchange of emails with Kay today, over lunch, I was 20 blinks away from crying. In spite of that, or because of that, I felt understood. Because she let me go on. Again. About how difficult it has been and how torn and tired I feel. Most importantly, she said she thinks that some people never move on from a failed relationship if that was everything they believed in. And she made it sound like it's absolutely OK. Like it was as much a fact as the earth is round.
I felt moved, in a way. Amidst my complaints about not-so-intelligent clients and her stories of her not-so-polite x-coll, I felt I mattered even in this hazy bigger picture.
xxx
I think it's a good way to end a day when you think of something and you smile and just that split moment, life doesn't seem all that sucky.
xxx
I think it's a horrible way to end a day sobbing on your bed, thinking if you'd feel depressed enough to not go to work the next morning.
xxx
I think I need new pills. Been feeling emotionally unstable recently. I'm in the 'Maria' mood (the existential character in "The Accidental Woman"... I finished reading yesterday... in record-breaking time ever since I started working).
xxx
My Operations boss (commonly referred to as simply 'boss' here) is actually quite a nice boss.
boss: (walked over to my workdesk and waited for his presence to be acknowledged by me)
me: (decided to acknowledge his presence) Yes, sir?
boss: You are awfully quiet today leh.
me: (stumbled for an appropriate response, if there is one) Oh. Just because I don't go to your office and make noise, you think I'm very quiet eh?
boss: No lah... I'm just concerned mah. Are you OK or not?
me: (to say 'yes' or to say 'no'... hmm...) Ya. Ok.
boss: All ready for your focus group tonight?
me: Mm. (attempted a weak smile)
boss: Ok, good. (and walked away)
And in just the past week, he apologised twice to me. For work reasons. But reasons I didn't even deem required an apology.
Either he's being really nice 'cos he's afraid I'd join the trend of throwing resignation letters on his desk or it's been really obvious that I'm tired and moody. I think it's the latter.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:33
April 19, 2007
~ Randomly...
I really felt like puking at the questionnaire I was editing today. It's crap. The questionnaire was. It's taken my boss and I a few days (actually, truth be told, he did most of the editing) to vet through and change and rechange the q're. Totally disgusting. Emman taught me a new word to describe my state of 'affection' for my work - 'bangsat'. Absolutely. We were practically doing the work for them!
Anyway, I neglected to amend something that my boss told me to. So, when he saw that I hadn't corrected it, he half-jokingly said I'm
bo sim. I apologised, of course. It's my fault and I will admit my fault. But, he then asked if I've any problem outside work (cos I must have looked superbly
sian today). And he sounded really sincere about it. I told him 'nope' as I quickly headed out of his office. Honestly, I felt bad for neglecting to do that amendment, and worse when he asked "Are you serious?" when I replied my "nope".
My problem outside work is that I have a problem that is not likely to be solved in the next 3 years; is that I feel disconnected with people (including some of my good friends); is that I think I need to get new anti-depressants; is that I cry so fucking easily these days; is that I'm so tired of thinking and feeling for anything, anyone.
My possible cures? Reading Jonathan Coe now... listening to Ryan Adams... and blogging. I need to write a letter soon. And have some very long and elaborate dreams.
xxx
My sister called me this evening. While I was waiting for my boss to vet through the crappy questionnaire for the nth time.
She thought I was on my way home. And she said she's at the void deck of our flat, with my parents and Hugo and Sydney. She said they were waiting for me.
Moments like this, I hate the fact that I can't leave work on time.
xxx
Today, I used 'fuck' many, many times.
It's quite shiok.
xxx
And today, I learnt for certain people, no matter what they ask you, all they want to hear is a positive reply. It just makes them feel better because they wouldn't know what to say if you ever give them a less than positive or less politically correct reply.
Example?
big boss: So, how's work?
me: (contemplated if I should be honest or just say 'ok') Well, it's been a lot. Getting a bit of a headache (which was true, cos I have been staring at the computer for 8 hours by then).
big boss: aiyoh, why would you have headache? It's not a lot of work right...
me: (decided to be less honest then) didn't sleep well these few days, slept late (true too).
big boss: Who asked you to sleep late? Sleep early lah. What do you do at night?
me: (beginning to feel indignant) Do my own stuff lah! I have my own things to do after work you know... (and work has been ending at 10pm since last Wed cos of all the focus group sessions...)
big boss: Who asked you to do? Sleep early lah...
me: (knowing the conversation is going nowhere) Ok, never mind.
fei hua shao shuo. What were you looking for me for?
The correct answer to such people asking you such question is, simply, "OK".
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:10
April 17, 2007
~ Randomly...
" 我剩下的时间不多。可是，用来等你刚刚好。"
We watched the series "My date with a vampire III" together.
And "The L Word".
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:27
April 15, 2007
~ Randomly...
Just before the meeting...
boss: Wah! Why are you wearing so many balls today?
me: (make a DUH expression) What balls? It's called beads lah.
boss: But it's quite nice. Ya, beads. Not balls lah.
me: Ya! Sigh! Men!
boss: Ya, man. You can't live with them, you can't live without them.
me: No. Wrong. I can live without them.
boss: You ah, you are the kind of woman the government worries about lah.
me: Ay, ya leh! Really, I'm the kind of woman government worries about. Independent, financially independent, high educational qualification, not interested in marriage, not interested in dating...
boss: (shakes head, smiling)
me: Ok, enough. Let's get started.
During another meeting... Sok came in to serve some crackers with pate that Maria was preparing in the pantry...
boss: You see what Maria is doing? You should learn from her. How to prepare food and serve. The things that woman should do. Be more womanly.
me: Huh? For what? You want to eat, you don't know how to prepare yourself uh?! Why must a woman do all these?
boss: Sok Kuan, you must learn from Maria, don't learn from her.
Sok: If the man wants to eat, they should do it themselves.
boss: See, you teach her wrongly.
me: But it's true mah.
(high-5 with Sok)
me: Orh! Sok, if you think like this, you will grow to be like me. Another one that the government worries about.
Sok: Ya.
boss: Ya, another one the government worries about.
me: It's ok ah! Let the government worry lor. It's their job, anyway! To worry about us.
boss: (shakes head, again)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:48
April 07, 2007
Project Tao Te Ching
The following verses appealed to my mood today. Don't ask why.
The most submissive thing in the world can ride roughshod over the most unyielding in the world - that which is without substance entering that which has no gaps. That is why I know the benefit of taking no action. The teaching that uses no words, the benefit of taking no action, these are beyond the understanding of all but a very few in the world. There is no crime greater than being desirable; there is no disaster greater than not being content; there is no misfortune more painful than being covetous: hence, in knowing the sufficiency of being content, one will constantly have sufficient. The benefit of taking no action. No disaster greater than not being content.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:57
April 06, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
It was a housewarming. I don't know whose. Ade, Juan, Viv and Wenn were there. Me, too. We were all waiting for food to be served. Kay was coming too. I knew she was invited. And I waited in anticipation, as well as at a loss to what to do or say when she comes.
We started talking about Viv's bf, who was a politician. A MP, to be specific. We were talking abou him because he was on TV. And we were watching TV while waiting. Viv brought a copy of Archie comic along. I have absolutely no idea why.
Next dream scene, Kay was among us. I either didn't want or didn't dare to look at her or talk to her. I didn't feel awkward; I guess, I just wasn't sure if she would like me to even talk to her. So, I started looking for things to distract myself with. Unfortunately, aside from the TV, there wasn't much worthy thing to be distracted with. Ade was talking to Viv and Wenn was talking to Kay. Juan sort of disappeared from this scene.
Then, I decided that I should face it - 'it' being being in the same social situation as her. And I decided it made no sense for me to hide away. So, I turned left to look at Kay. She was reading Viv's Archie comic (that's a strange purpose for Archie comic to feature quite a bit in my dream). I looked at her for what felt like a long time before she noticed and turned to return my gaze.
Instead of facing 'it', I turned away. I was just thinking that there were so many changes in her, I almost didn't quite recognise her. And I thought she looked so mature, so different from who she was when we knew each other. She was even wearing make-up! How unlikely!
Then, I turned left and looked at her again. And she was still looking at me. And we smiled at each other. I asked her something really inconsequential about the Archie comic (so inconsequential, I don't remember what). Then, she went back to the comic and I went back to try to make sense of whatever the TV was showing.
At this point, Wenn was sitting in front of me. An arm's length away. I reached out with my right arm and held her arm, pulled her back to sit beside me. She was wearing a sleeveless top, something casual, the kind she always wears at home. And I laid my head on her bare arm and started to cry.
I seemed to wake up from this dream. But of course, it's just a farce. I was just dreaming of having woken up. Wenn was still beside me. I woke up, face wet from tears. She asked if I had a bad dream. I told her I dreamt of Kay. Then, she urged me to write down my dream. We began searching frantically for some writing material before I forgot the details of my dream.
Then, I woke up again. For real. My dogs were barking down the whole block, drowning themselves in excitement about going for their morning strolls. Drowning the whole block with their barking too.
Funny thing in this dream is, I knew this person is Kay. But her physical form was Anna.
Woke up and missed her. Been awhile since I had a dream I could remember. Been awhile since I last dreamt of her.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:32
April 04, 2007
~ Randomly...
Whying: It's so sad, like, everyday we have lunch with them is their last day.
Me: Well, nothing to be sad about. Part and parcel of employment. Besides, they both found better jobs elsewhere. So, it's good for them!
Whying: Are you going to leave too?
Me: (smiles knowingly)
Whying: Huh... you cannot leave leh.
Me: (continues smiling knowingly)
Whying: If you leave, I will be very sad. I will cry. Can you don't leave?
Me: (laughs) No lah. I'm not leaving lah. Then, can I say the same too? Can you not leave?
Whying: I can't. I have to leave mah.
Me: Ya lor. So I will cry when you leave. Then, how?
Whying: I can leave before you. But you cannot leave before me. Oh, I know! We can leave together. Then, we won't have to cry!
Me: (laughs) Ay, but you are leaving here and then going to Paris! Mann...
Whying: Ya.
Me: When you leave, I will cry. I will cry because I'd be thinking, I should be the one going! Why are you going to Paris and not me?!
Whying: (laughs) You are very bad. You will cry only because you think you should be the one going, right?
Me: (laughs) No lah. I'm not so mean. But, seriously, I will cry when you leave. I will cry tears of joy.
Whying: ...
Me: Perv will too! Tears of joy.
Whying: Ya, ya! He will be very happy. No one to scold.
It's actually, honestly, seriously, a very sweet thing to say. That she will cry if I leave the company before her internship is over. For saying such a
manis thing, I shall attempt not to tease her so much tomorrow. And contribute another 'Seng Lee' to the Save Whying Fund.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:17